here. now.

It’s early yet this morning, but two things have already occurred to me today. In the past six years, I’ve attended 9 funerals. Five for people who lived a long life. Four for young people who passed before their 30^th birthday.

I sensed a sort of undercurrent of sadness, and having just returned from one funeral last week for a family member, it added up that experiencing so many losses is kind of leaving a heavy burden on me. I was recently enraged by the loss of two boys in a notorious parental custody case, and had nowhere to go with that rage – it steeped within me. Even the very public losses of celebrities have contributed to the feeling.

We all say that funerals should be celebrations of the person’s life. In all cases above, they were not joyous occasions. I know they all are in a spirit form and in a better place. But the loss is what stays with me. I admit to having fears of losing others who are important to me.

Somehow I have to go through all these feelings and find a positive outlook to follow. I do work to put efforts into causes and non-profits to help others and hopefully alleviate some of the inequities and losses in society.

The second thing that occurred to me today is that – a year ago, I had the premonition or message that “a year from now” I’ll be in the right place. I was at a crossroads and agonizing over which direction to take. A thought occurred to me like a whisper: “a year from now”. I went with that whisper and trusted it and hung on to it through many times of doubt. Most of 2011 I was anxious to find out what process I’d have to go through and where I would land. Several options were explored. At that time I could not have anticipated how it would turn out.

I’m here. Now.

Thankfully, that anxious year of waiting to see the outcome is done. Looking back, the resolutions that I thought were going to happen did not. Although a decisive action, the direction I took was a surprise, not what I expected.

Coincidentally, I heard a message on TV today about how when we try to take control of our lives, we get a reminder to let go and let God handle it. I seem to need a lot of reminders.

The path I chose appeared on the outset to be the riskiest and certainly the one with the least support from others. I’ve always felt that I made the right choice. There are some divine plans in store for me that are bigger than I can imagine.

Signs of recovery have appeared. As insightful as I am about the real world around me, learning to fearlessly greet possibilities beyond my imagination is a continual work in progress.